something that matters

What does it look like to do what you love to do for a living? To radiate joy each day from start to finish? To not only do a job, but make a difference. And enjoy every second of it. And more importantly, how do you proclaim Christ in the menial tasks when the bulk of your hours are spent drowning in frustration until you land the employment opportunity you’ve been waiting for?

I came across this while organizing my computer. The jumble of thoughts from a intern straight out of the university and fresh in the world of intentional ministry trying to figure her life out. And here I am nearly four years later pondering the very same thoughts, wresteling this time with a future that belongs not only to me.

I’m really trying to figure out where I need to be after this year. I’ve learned so much this past summer and have really started to process everything from the past four years. I want to know where the Lord is leading me in my life. I know I am called to serve but I am still trying to discern what that looks like…especially in the field of missions. This summer [when I went to the Yucatan and then was in Latvia & Russia] really showed me the side of missions I’ve never thought about…the preparation side of mentoring people on the team and preparation of cultural and language knowledge…the relational side and what that looks like..sitting and listening and providing counsel and advice…What does this look like long term from a career mindset? Where am I called to be? Where can the Lord use me to the best of my abilities?

Continuously I say I am going to read this book and inevitably put if off, claiming mostly a lack of time, but in reality pushing aside the very dreams that possibly could become a reality…one day. What are the activities that drive me? The very things I find fulfillment in? As I mull over these and many other questions I can’t help but jump to an unrealistic hope. Frequently the following inquisition is posed to young professionals in an attempt to reach the root of their true desires. “Sure you’re a _______ right now, but if you could have any job what would it be?” Fill the blank in with whatever you’d like, but unfortunately most people still respond the same. Something other than what they are doing. Now I know this is not a struggle I suffer in alone. Every morning my body moving in one direction while my mind tugs in the opposite. Outwardly completing my to do list, but inwardly yearning for something different in the realm of my avocation. Something new. Something more.

While my answer have undoubtedly oscillated over the years there has been, and will remain, one constant to my dream. The one thing that binds together in such unison the many facets of my life…

When I was little, taking care of animals and playing sports all day was my dream. As I discovered the true reality of being a veterinarian and that cuddling with tiny bundles of purring fuzz balls were not the
extent of the job, I quickly reconsidered. I focused my efforts on athletics, particularly soccer, and found myself succeeding rather rapidly in this avenue. So quickly in fact that before high school I found myself in Sweden participating in the world’s largest youth soccer festival representing the states with girls who were not only older than me, but considerable in size. Perhaps one day I will share of those days here. Then inevitably my small stature and affinity for heath issues curbed this dream as well and I found myself on the cusp of graduation with no more to show for a future path than a slight obsession for foreign languages and a lot of trips to the doctor.

Although my time on the plains was filled with nearly six years of discernment, many of the most important aspects of my life have come together. I met and married the most amazing man who is not only my best friend but my biggest supporter. I have been surrounded by the most incredible group of friends who have encircled me with unconditional love. I gained two degrees and expanded my intellect in infinite ways. However, I find that the one choice that seems to be a given after all this education and experience is the only decision that has been the most difficult to make. Lord, what is it that I am meant to do in life?

While this daunting problem seems no closer to be solved, from as early as I can remember, there is one constant passion that I have continually cultivated in my life. My love for all things litterary. There is so much power in the written word.  To read a book that captivates you to point where you can’t put it down.  To hear the words of a song and resonate with the lyrics as if someone had invaded your mind. To hold the pages that contain stories from years past. There is nothing more wonderful to me than diving into a book and being taken to another time. Laughing out loud in the middle of a coffee shop because of how vivid an image the author has portrayed, or faking a cold as you sneak a tissue to your eyes while the main character suffers a loss. All the emotions that surface with such simple black letters on a white page. That’s what I want to create that. That’s what I want to do.

The only question now is…how to make it happen? How do I incorporate what I love to do with what I have to do? How do I make a difference by meshing these two things together? One day. It will happen. Not only will my days be occupied by doing life as it is at the moment, it will be filled with doing something that matters.