Alabama Lifestyle Blog

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Learning to Embrace Forgiveness

Have you ever wondered how much is too much? How much we are supposed to take before giving in, giving up, or moving on? Or how many times can someone let you down, hurt you, or use you before it’s ok to walk away? I mean, what does forgiveness really look like? At what point do you realize it’s time to forgive and move on if someone takes advantage of you? Over. And over. And over again.

If you read one of my recent posts about choices you will begin to understand why this is a topic that I tend to struggle with. Ever since my father left, I have struggled with forgiveness, bitterness, and trust. Through that situation, I was let down repeatedly after the initial wound. Until this point, anyone that had hurt me in some manner had pleaded for forgiveness for their actions. They had felt remorse for the mean comment they said. They had repented of jumping out from the closet to scare me and vowed to never do it again. They had sought me out to make things right. Yet the situation with my father was the first time that no apology followed the actions that turned my world upside down. And it was so hard for me to comprehend forgiveness when the person I was to forgive wasn’t seeking it from me.

Until that point, I believed the person in wrong was the one in need of forgiveness. That in order to move on, to fully repent, that they needed that forgiveness. That as the wounded one, providing that forgiveness only helped them and did nothing to take away the pain or the bitterness that came from their actions. That by forgiving, we were excusing their actions and saying that we put it behind us, never to remember the hurt they caused us with their words or actions, opening up the avenue for additional wounds in the future.

I know I have talked about this before, but my freshman year, in my small group we read through Richard Foster’s Celebration of Discipline and it was the catalyst to my full understanding of what forgiveness really means. I spent the summer after my freshman year in Bolivia, and after those three months full of time to really focus on scripture and through several conversations, his words finally came to light.

“Forgiveness does not mean that we will cease to hurt. The wounds are deep, and we may hurt for a very long time. Just because we continue to experience emotional pain does not mean that we failed to forgive.” -Richard Foster

One of the girls at the Internado (boarding house for children) showed me the most perfect image of forgiveness and the living example of what it meant to forgive without brushing aside the very real hurt that remained. At fourteen she had experienced more pain than I could imagine, and possessed more wisdom than I could comprehend. And yet she believed that to harbor hatred for those who had hurt her would do nothing but draw her away from the work the Lord had in store for her. That by forgiving, and acknowledging the pain, that she was able to see all of the good that she had been blessed with and move towards healing in those areas she was hurt. 
Scriptures teaches us to forgive as the Lord forgave us. That we are to do so in order that we may be forgiven as well. That forgiveness is not for the person receiving it, whether they have asked for it or not, but that forgiveness is for your heart. That if we cease to forgive, we harbor hatred and it governs our behaviors. That it consumes us and takes over our life if we don’t surrender it to Him. That even if it takes seven times seventy times to forgive for our hearts to be cleanses, then that’s how much we should forgive. Now here in lies the second question; when is it time to move on after continually forgiving someone? To get away from a hurtful situation, emotionally or physically, and prevent it from happening again. If we are to forgive seventy times seven times, is that ever a possibility? Or are we to always forgive, hoping for a change, and let ourselves be hurt repeatedly?

I believe that there is a time to walk away, and that forgiveness can mean leaving a situation if it is not beneficial for you. If the person who hurt who has no intention on changing their ways after they have been made aware of their actions causing you pain, it is time to forgive and walk away. If the person vowed to make a change, but have continued to cause you pain multiple times, it might be time to walk away. The situation with my father was full of several attempts to rekindle, and subsequent re-tears of the initial wound. With each rip, it became easier to forgive, and easier to cease trying to make it work. Sometimes it’s not so easy. Sometimes there are people in your life that abuse your generosity and never show an ounce of gratitude for what you have done for them. Sometimes there are people who cut you out of their lives because of their own issues and nothing you have or can do can convince them your friendship was true. And you are to press on. Showing love and forgiveness for the pain they have caused. Offering your hand for them to join you yet again in relationship. And sometimes they do. Sometimes those relationships are rekindled. Wounds are healed. And you move on together. And sometimes, you stand with palms wide open simply moving on in a different direction to heal without rekindling, but with the freedom of forgiveness.

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THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:
“What does forgiveness look like? At what point do you realize it’s time to forgive and move on if someone takes advantage of you?”

And so you can start thinking & writing about the next conversation piece, here’s the question for next week for you to ponder –
NEXT (2 WEEK’S) QUESTION (July 22):
How important is social approval for you?
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Comments

  1. Katie Cook says

    What a beautiful post. I too have struggled with forgiveness and loved the quote that said even if the pain is still there, doesn't mean we haven't forgiven. Thanks for sharing girl! love katie