Over the past few months I have been really striving to understand happiness. One such resource has been the book The Happiness Project. I’ve been reading it on and off in addition to other random books on my shelf. Along with this, I get an email every morning with a quote or short story regarding happiness. And this last month, I have taken the 21 Day Happiness Project too.
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Now, this may seem silly, but there is so much to be said for evaluating just what makes you happy in your life – and doing more of that. Likewise, uncovering the items, activities, or people, that are contributing to your stress (read: unhappiness) and ridding yourself of the excess that is doing nothing but bringing you down. Repeatedly, it seems to be that much our happiness (or unhappiness) as people is connected to our relationships with others.
A past friendship always resurfaces when I think of this particular topic of happiness. Wondering if I was so naive to think the best in this person. Trying to attribute certain actions to their past experiences and countlessly giving them the benefit of the doubt. Pouring out nothing but acceptance when such generosity was not reciprocated, and then all ties were cut completely without a reason given that I could comprehend. Being de-friended and blocked from every form of social media seemed a bit excessive to me for someone who had moved miles away and against someone who had done nothing at all. However, a part of me wonders, that if perhaps this was their attempt at pursuing happiness. While this person seldom crosses my mind these days as we have no contact, I can’t help but wish that they have truly found what they were looking for despite the way they went searching for it.
So as I ponder what it meant to pour out in a friendship that was severed, I think back to how we are called to love our neighbors, and that we are to forgive despite how hurt we have been in relationship. And I begin to see how much our happiness as people is connected to our relationships with others. We crave approval from others to determine our worth. We determine our level of “success” as a friend by our duties in weddings, thus equally our seeming joy not only in our own lives, but that which we bring to others. When we think back to some of our fondest moments from the past, we often connect these memories with friends from college or high school. We relive what makes us happy by flipping through pictures with our closest buddies or our loving family. More than the activities or items that we take pleasure in, we always float back to focusing on the people that make those things truly special. After all, what good would watching football be if there were no players? What good would reading a book be if there were no authors? Even the most solitary of activities seem always to involve people in some way.
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In light of this seemingly not so new revelation of the importance of surrounding myself with people that radiate joy and bring happiness to my life, I began to evaluate my current friendships and relationships with others. As I have mentioned on countless occasions, I am truly blessed to have some pretty incredible people in my life. I recently posted this to my personal social media accounts. I had just had a wonderful morning with friends shopping, chatting, and sharing a meal together.
I came home to my husband and was simply beaming because of the sheer amount of positivity that occupied our words, and thinking of other friends not present who leave me feeling this way as well after leaving their company. Favorites, likes, texts, and in person chats from such friends only confirmed such things. But then my mind began to drift towards friendships where the responses to such a comment would be met with negativity in one way or another. And I yearned to change those responses.
Thinking nothing of my sappy display of love for all the awesome people in my life, conversation with the husband led to a revelation of what my heart is longing for. While I desire these friendships in my life for my benefit, for my happiness, more than that I desire to be that for someone else. To be to someone else what some women have been to me over the years. An encourager, a shoulder to cry on, someone to laugh with, someone to listen, and someone who leaves you with a feeling of happiness – of joy- after our interaction.
A friend recently inquired as to why I was friends with certain individuals that they just can’t stand to be around due to certain habits that they have that some deem to be annoying or undesirable. My response is that we all have certain habits that some deem to be annoying or undesirable. But more importantly, we all have a story and our actions stem from the journey we have experienced in this life. And sometimes, those pesky little habits we as people hide behind are attempts to guard our hearts from further attack. To act as if there is not a care in the world and flippantly and quickly judging others so that the hurt they are experiencing within remains below the surface. To overly cling to loved ones out of a past where perhaps love was not as freely given. To point out all their own faults so that others can’t do it first. To answer every question, not because they are trying to show up everyone, but to provide a knowledge learned that is snuffed daily at their job. To shadow people without taking a hint because they were never taught otherwise. To quickly judge another for what’s on the surface instead of putting themselves in someone else’s shoes…
But behind every action is a story that lingers just out of reach to the casual passerby. The story that makes that person a life worth pouring into. More than anything, those people need a friend who will hear their story and guide them to the One who can make them whole again. Who can point them towards joy and be the example of happiness. It’s in those imperfections, and the conversations that blossom from them, that true friends are made- by working through this life together. Pesky little habits and all. To seek out happiness in community. And nothing would make me happier, than being one of those friends to someone who needs it.
