If you’ve been here before, you’ve heard me mention that I’ve been reading (and finished!) A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans (who is simply one of my favorites these days) and there have been so many chapters that have resonated with me. Well, one chapter in particular, (and this post on her blog), brought up some repressed anxiety, but also put to ease what I could never quite articulate.
I am terrified of being a mother. Completely and totally. Motherhood scares me. And that’s ok.
As soon as we got engaged, the question was “when’s the wedding?!?” and since we got married, people have asked “when are y’all going to have a baby?!?” as of course that is the natural progression when you live in the South. But sometimes other people everyone forgets to live in the moment instead of always looking to the future. And over the past three years or so, I’ve slowly learned that. And that while someday…not now, our family of two will grow and multiple, it is not our job to plan it out by calendar but to rely on His perfect timing. My husband and I have tried to live in the “now” and be present for the joys that are right in front of our eyes. While it is sometimes hard, especially if you are looking forward to something really awesome, it really makes the present more enjoyable to simply “be” rather than always planning for the future. This quote has truly been an encouragement during these years to seek after the Lord, and follow where he leads us:
This past weekend I got to meet some of our friends newest addition, and hold (for the first time in my life) a baby under 3 months old [which I should add has only ever happened once before where I’ve even held another friend’s baby at all that was under 2 years old – and that was last year]. Needless to say, I don’t babysit in my spare time. And while kids are certainly on the radar, I’ve just not been itching to pop any out anytime soon since I’ve still got some time to go before I’m 30. But one thing I realized this weekend, was that everything Rachel Held Evans described, fit me to a T, but at the same time holding that precious tiny little life I understood that all I needed to know would come to me when the time was necessary, fears and all, and that somehow was the most comforting thing ever. And that being afraid, despite the backlash I might receive, is more than ok for me to dare vocalize.
I’m afraid that having children will disrupt our marriage and social life.
I’m afraid that starting a family will make my professional goals obsolete.
I’m afraid that I will never figure out how to use diaper genies, or for that matter, diapers.
I’m afraid that my incredible ability to forget everything will make me a bad mom.
I’m afraid of being totally responsible for another life.
I’m afraid of bringing into this world a little person who can (and probably will) be hurt and disappointed.
I’m afraid of what the world is coming to and that violence and anger is the norm.
I’m afraid of how sheltered children are becoming and the schools that are doing it.
And I’m afraid that I have to figure out, and wrestle with, my own faith before I can pass it along to a new generation who will be looking to me for answers.
I realize that many of these fears seem irrational, unavoidable, or even just plain selfish. And that as a Christian I should want nothing more than to gird my loins, get over myself and procreate for the glory of the kingdom. But to me, there is more to following Christ than just upping the population. And with any unknown in life, it says to cast our anxiety upon – not that we won’t have it – but to hand it over. And I’m a firm believer that Jesus can calm those anxieties.
Some of my fears naturally have to do with the whole duration of pregnancy. Will I know right away? Will I be taking the right vitamins? Will I gain too much weight? Not enough? Will there be complications? Is there going to be miserable sickness alongside it? Will I be able to wear anything cute? Will I be able to work? Who will our doctor be? Are we at risk for any genetic issues? How will this affect our time with friends? So. Many. Questions.
And let’s just be honest, pregnancy doesn’t look good on everyone. Will I be able to stay in shape while pregnant? Will I be able to bounce back and be in shape afterwards? Will I just look I’m fat and have gained a lot of weight? I know Kate has always had impeccable style, but the coverage of “the royal pregnancy” and now “the royal baby” have revived these, um, concerns, I seem to have lingering within.
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And let’s just be honest, not every new mother is going to look every bit as flawless (and like a pro at it) after having their first baby as Kate, but if we’re being real she was every bit that put together before so why shouldn’t she be after? And honestly, no one should compare themselves to any other mother, but it’s hard for these fears not be surface when others (even in real life) make it seem like they were made to be mamas, when I am terrified I will look awkward, confused, and out of place.
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I want to have a family. I want to have kids one day. And I know, when I do, I will love them so fiercely and so much more than I can even begin to comprehend. But I also know, that I will still have some fears. But as with most things in life, I am slowly learning to relinquish control and simply trust. Trust that the Lord will provide. Trust that He will guide. And trust that in His timing all things will come to pass with His unconditional providence & guidance. And trust that the little one with do exactly that – trust in me to provide. And one day, whether by birth or by adoption, I know that bundle of joy will surpass every single fear and cover me with a love I have yet to know. And I can’t wait.
[…] remember when I posted a while back on the misconceptions of motherhood, or even on my own fears of one day starting a family, and how for some time now I have grappled with the idea of what it means to be a “biblical […]