I’ve always wondered what this phrase really means. What does it actually look like to suffer in silence? It seems to be that there are several definitions if you stop to think about.
Perhaps it refers to the undertaking of bearing great pain or injury inflicted by another, never to speak of it for fear of further turmoil at the hands of their tormentor.
Maybe it stems from quietly dealing with the trials provided in this life, never complaining of one’s plot in this journey, content in knowing there is some greater purpose for the proverbial cards that have been dealt.
Or possibly, it describes a multitude of events where an individual is wrestling with something, and declines to share with others for fear of ridicule, judgement, or lack of understanding.
We all have struggles. It’s inevitable. We are human. And a good many people choose to keep these struggles grasped tightly, sharing with a few (if any) confidants, and deal with these issues quietly. But we all stay silent for different reasons. While I’ll be the first to tell you, no one likes a Negative Nancy, I can’t help but feel as though we are to live out these struggles together. To bear one another’s burdens and to encourage one another in truth. While I’ve touched before on struggles, and breaking those pesky little habits we tend to hold on to, convincing ourselves of lies instead of seeking the truth, one thing has been ever so hard for me to express. Sweet Jess over at JMN Way shared her heart about fears recently, and though at times it seems an incomprehensible truth, in Christ there is hope.
Hope to overcome the lies with truth.
Hope that He is greater than all our fears and struggles.
Hope that we are not alone in this battle & that He will fight for us.
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Maybe it took hearing someone else say that they struggle with fears too. Knowing the truth, but still fighting what’s stuck in our heads. Maybe it’s just hearing someone tell you they understand exactly what you mean. To feel you’re finally not alone. Or maybe it just takes someone telling you you’re not crazy after all. That there’s nothing wrong with you. And that even in the midst of it all, Jesus hears us, and loves us still.
For years I have struggled with not only self confidence, but specifically with my weight. And for years I’ve never felt like I could share what is a legitimate daily battle with myself for fear of ridicule.
When I was little I was always bouncing around, participating in every sport or activity you could imagine. Then, around 5th grade, I went through a “chubby” phase (let’s be honest – most all of us did) and between puberty and being stuck in the frigidity that is Rhode Island, my body learned to adapt, and by the time middle school rolled round I was back to “normal”. And it never really bothered me – I just thought everyone went through that phase – until the day that someone else’s choice convinced me otherwise.
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From that moment on, I was convinced on so many levels that I was not good enough. And that in his choosing to leave, that I never would be. So I chose to attempt controlling everything within my power that I could to become “good enough”. And while I demanded perfection in every area of my life, my body was the one that seemed to lack concrete goals of what that should be. With school, grades were consistent and unchanging. An “A” was always the same and always the goal. With sports, MVP was the highest honor and captain was the role I chased after. Winning was always the goal and anything else fell short. But when it came to me weight, there was no attainable number. No magic formula to tell me what the scale should say or what size I should be. There was only ever always a small size; a lower weight.
I wish that I could tell you this was a youthful struggle. That once I “grew up”, I grew out of such a ridiculous real struggle. But we live in a world consumed by numbers. To this day I am always terrified of becoming “fat” or gaining too much weight. And at this time in my life where my body is still adjusting to the reality of functioning without much of my thyroid, and motherhood terrifies me, any once of bloating or perceived added poundage is scrutinized. And I find myself searching for answers. Seeking to know just how much I should weigh, or what size is “ideal”. Looking to everyone else to validate me. And missing the point of where my worth comes from. Suffering, in silence, because of the reality that compared to other struggles in my mind, why should anyone care about how I feel? Scared to share how I feel, because I am not obese, or even overweight. Scared to share because I will make someone mad – because skinny people are not supposed to feel fat. But just as with anger and resentment, when you harbor these feelings, they only magnify. Until you confront them head on, you will never be able to move on.
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I hate that I weigh myself almost every day multiple times a day to make sure I am staying close to the same weight. I hate that the media portrays an unattainable model of women and that the focus is always on how to loose weight. I hate that I compare myself to every. single. woman. that passes by me. I hate that unless someone tells me, I’ll never see myself as skinny. But more than anything, I hate that I have an unrealistic view of who I am, and that I’ve let it control me.
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But thankfully, even though at times it seems an incomprehensible truth, in Christ there is hope. Every day His mercies are new. Every day I am learning to love the woman He created me to me – a beautiful daughter of the King. Every day is a challenge to embrace my inner ballerina & wear what flatters me, and makes me feel like I can conquer the world. To look in the mirror and see what my husband sees. Every day is another opportunity to choose happiness and invest in the relationships that bring me joy. To surround myself with others who are looking more than surface deep and who encourage. Every day is the chance to overcome and embrace our story as our own, and share it with others so that we can live as the light in this world, pointing others to His perfect grace and comfort. To step out of the silence, and let others know they are no alone.
I am here to tell you that whatever your struggle my be, you shouldn’t feel bad about it. You shouldn’t feel unworthy to share about it because you feel like it’s not important enough. You shouldn’t hold it in because you feel like no one will understand. You shouldn’t feel like you should be struggling with something bigger. You are unique. Your struggles will be uniquely yours. And the only way you can change them, is to confront them. You are not alone. Let’s struggle through this together, friend.
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If you feel like you have no one who would understand, I have been there. If you ever need someone to talk to, email me. I’d love nothing more than speak truth over you. Let’s tackle this together.
