Not Your Typical Marriage Advice

 

Y’all. Today marks three years from the day we said “I do”. It’s absolutely crazy to think that it has already been that long. It seems like just yesterday we were in grad school anxiously planning our future together. Insane how time flies the older you get! If you’ve been here for a while, you are no stranger to our love story and all the details of the proposal and the big day. (But if you’re new here, do be sure to check those out. And enjoy our wonderfully perfect pre-pinterest wedding picture compilation. That’s right, we had to get creative all on our own – who can imagine?!. Both days were pretty awesome, and you’ll understand why the time goes by quickly when you catch a glimpse into my groom’s heart. He’s a keeper.)

We celebrated two years in Mobile as well as our first anniversary, both with visits to our favorite spot in Biloxi for fun filled adventures. This year, we’ll be in Birmingham, and I am pretty excited for our plans : ) One of my goals for my 30 before 30 project was to celebrate our anniversary with something special each year, and I will certainly say we’re on the right track to keep that going! 

But more than gushing over how much I adore my husband and spill all the juicy details of our celebrations, I wanted to touch on marriage in and of itself. There have been so many articles and posts recently on “5 Tips to a Happy Marriage” or “10 Things NOT to Do in Marriage” or any such topic that promises a checklist to go through in order for your marriage to be picture perfect. Articles claiming that you must get hitched by this age, or that you should wait till that age. Contradictory nonsense claiming to have a hold on the secret to a lasting relationship – a secret that boils it all down to one simple factor. If this were really the case, why are there so many different opinions on the matter? There have been so much backlash from newlyweds testifying to have figured it all out while couples who have battled through the toughest parts of life adhere to age as the only determining factor for knowledge on relationships of any kind – especially one with a spouse – receive equally as much criticism. And who’s to say when the cutoff is anyhow for a “newlywed”? To be honest, no one is an expert and we all have something to learn.

 

So what’s the point? Who should we listen to? The importance of all these articles is that we as people (especially women) are seeking to perfect our marriages. The media, Pinterest, and the blog world in general boast a picturesque view of not only weddings, but of marriages as well. Touching the surface alone with it’s Date Night Ideas, sexy lingerie, and picture perfect ways to make our marriages enviable to every person we meet. Yet all this does it set unrealistic expectations on the reality that marriage, as with any relationship, takes effort, thought, submission, compassion, and sacrifice. And that while we tend to capture and hold tightly to the most beautiful parts – pinning them for the world to see, we are ashamed and feel like failures in our imperfections and struggles. So today, I am here to tell you the most wonderful piece of advice when it comes to your relationship with that sexy man you call your husband.

 

 

Just like anything worth doing in life, you get out of it what you put into it. If you cease to water a plant, it dies. If you don’t study, you won’t learn the material. I could perseverate on examples, however I pray you see the point.  You must nurture your relationship if you want for it to survive. There is a reason why your vows include for “sickness & in health….for richer or for poorer”. There will be both. Life is not completed into a perfect storybook once you say  “I do”.  With each season of our marriage that has been less than easy, we’ve learned to shift the strength of carrying one another depending on the load. Some days we can carry it together. Last year he was my rock through my surgery. This year I’ve encouraged him through sickness. Together we braved a move, living with family, and searching for the house of our dreams. When timing has been tough, jobs have been stressful, and life seemed a continual pouring of challenges, together we learned to overcome each storm together. While the amount of “work” continues, the effort declines, and the satisfaction grows. The more we each put in, the more we get out together.

 

Communication is something that encompasses this truth, that you must trust your partner. But more than this, it’s been learning to set aside personal insecurities, and trust your partner to succeed. Letting go of control, and trusting that their way might just be as awesome as yours is. Whether it’s household decisions, finances, or even in the kitchen, it means stopping the unnecessary questions and learning to fail and triumph as a team. Trust that when your spouse needs a guys/girls night, it’s because keeping that autonomy is crucial in relationships just as must as quality time as a couple. Trust always comes up with sexual relationships and while this is certainly needed, please understand ladies that if your husband has a meeting with a woman that doesn’t mean he’s cheating on you. Men, if your wife has coffee with a man, it doesn’t mean there is an affair. We were created for relationships, and every friendships between opposite sex does not end in intercourse despite what the media suggests. Now don’t get me wrong, their are skanks who could care less about the new jewelry your man is sporting, and scumbags that will always try to make a pass – but trust means knowing your spouse thinks those people are just as dumb as you do. People are going to think your spouse (and you!) are attractive – take it as a compliment and move on together with an extra fresh pep in your step that the outside world thinks you’re every bit as loveable as you two do.

 

 

I’m not talking about always doing what your spouse wants or submitting to a cultural role you think you must portray to have a “biblical” and therefore perfect marriage. No. I am talking about mutual compromises along the way. Learn what your spouse loves to do, and participate with them in that activity! Have them teach you, ask them questions. Take an interest in the person you married. You will not always enjoy the same things, and that’s ok. But sacrifice means letting him watch the football game he’s been dying to see that you could care less about, or indulging her in a little Harry Potter when you still have no idea who the main character even is. It means learning their love language and showing them love how they will receive it most instead of how you want them to show you. It means going on that double date, or attending that party, and doing the chore that’s been left undone for no other reason than to contribute. It means letting go of culturally perceived roles, your own selfish desires, and unrealistic expectations – and learning to jointly make a life together that reflects the oneness of Christ within your marriage.