I have never really been one to choose a word for the year or feel like a certain specific word had been laid on my heart to share. Rather, in seasons of life, the Lord often speaks through reoccurring themes. For quite some time now, I have been craving an even deeper view of simplicity. Simplicity of life, and of work. Simplicity in relationships. A true and genuine desire for a lack of messy, hurried, stifling events and interactions in my life.
This past month, what I realized I had been craving was to shed this notion of perfection and with desperately trying to live up to what I thought would make everyone else in my life happy. Last year was rough, and exciting, and wonderful all at the same time. And I spent a good deal of it trying to be strong and stable and encouraging for the people in my life and far less than I should have taken care of myself. And I’ve come to realize that I was just about at a breaking point. Trying to “be strong” while also growing another human being in your body is quite literally the most draining experience there is. And I’m finally dealing with those consequences, both good and bad.
In an effort to take care of others, I neglected myself. And now I look in the mirror, and see a frumpy new mom who is desperate need of a haircut and a manicure. I long for my pre baby body. Confidence escapes me.
I said yes to too many things – good things – and was starting to find myself bitter about such a committed schedule.
I had left little room for the things in life that bring me the most joy, in trying to do the things that I thought would make others the most happy with me.
Over the years, the idea of simplicity has always been at the forefront of my deepest desires. I long for simplicity in my life. In fact, I yearn for it. I can organize like a champ in an effort to achieve it, but at the end of the day, what I have learned is that finding true joy in simplicity most often means taking a step back.
From things.
Commitments.
And people.
And doing so unapologetically. (That’s the part I’m still working on.) If you’re anything like me, saying no is a nightmare. Especially to something good and meaningful. I feel like I’ve completely betrayed the person asking and supremely let them down. Like I’m an utter failure for not being able to do xyz. And since all of that is simply terrifying to me, I just avoid it altogether and say “sure thing”. And then stress myself out for taking on something I either a. have no time for or b. have no desire to do.
Since returning to work, I have tried so hard to leave work at work as much as possible. This means not staying late unless absolutely needed, and not bringing work home unless absolutely needed. Notice the caveat there? I’m working on that too. I’m also learning that stepping back (in my mind, quitting) does not always mean you’re giving up like I used to think. Rather, being able to see that you can no longer do something, and do it well or with a heart of joy, is a gift in itself. Letting go to allow for change and growth is a good thing. And though it may be hard in the moment, you have every right to say I simply cannot do this any longer.
Every year, and throughout the year, I try to go through our house and rid us of the clutter that all too often accumulates that we simply do not need. I mean, why on earth am I saving 4 bandanas that have no sentimental value to me “just in case” one day I need them? Why in the world do we have phone chargers for phones I don’t even think they make any longer? You get the picture. The Simplicity Challenge this year is certainly a helpful guide in focusing this purge to all areas of life when it comes to ridding of the excess “stuff” that consumes us.
But even more difficult to step away from are relationships that once brought you such joy. There is a fine line of pursuing a friendship with someone who feels wounded by your words or actions, and allowing for toxicity to build and tear your down. I fear I may never fully know this distinction, as it is such a part of who I am to fight against the urge to walk away when relationships become difficult. To stay, to fight, to reach out, despite little to no effort to reciprocate.
But I can say, while this may look very different for different people. One thing is consistent in terms of joy in relationships. Unless you surround yourself by people who not only make you happy, but who encourage you, support you, and love you deeply, you will be missing out on one of the most joyous parts of this journey we call life. To be able to live simply as yourself, vulnerable, and raw, and unapologetically who you are at your core is essential for filling your life with joy.
So as we enter this new year, I plan on trying to focus on this phrase “finding joy in simplicity”. To allow myself grace to pursue that which brings me joy, and to unapologetically step away from things that don’t align with the biggest goals I have for myself, and my little family. Here’s to 2017, a year of making space for celebrating what truly matters and focusing on those things.
