While I love nothing more than queso with my best gals, and coffee dates for hours on end, I know that I also need time by myself to reload. I’ve long been an introvert, and alone time is something I certainly crave. Give me a strong cup of coffee, sunshine, and a good book and I’m set!And while I know that a solo trip to Target is good for my soul, and that there are certain things that are far better when done alone (hello every conceivable activity in the bathroom), I also know for sure that there’s no way in hell that I want to do motherhood alone. I can either cope with a latte and a heart to heart conversation, or 400 new throw pillows from Target, and one can only own so many throw pillows (or so my husband says).
I have a handful of sisters/friends that hold my heart and I hold theirs. I don’t have to put on makeup or wipe the counter before they come over. I invite them into my mess and text them for emergency drinks. They scour my fridge and pantry like it’s their own. We can gather once a year and pick up like we never left. And each of these groups of ladies are so so precious to me. But I haven’t always had friends like these. And one thing I’ve learned is that friendships worth keeping are work, but oh so worth it.
I struggled with friendship growing up. Not necessarily making friends; sure I had plenty. I mean, I was involved in every conceivable extra curricular since I was 4. And my high school and college resumes are a sight to behold. But rather, really letting people in. We moved a lot when I was younger, so I had a hard time feeling like I ever truly “belonged” anywhere until college. When I became a mom, the loneliness I often felt as a kid intensified and hung over me like a thick cloud.
Not a lot of my friends were moms. The ones who were moms were far away. And the ones closet in proximity were either far from motherhood, or struggling to have children of their own. And I felt utterly alone. Especially those first few months of leave, in the thick of breastfeeding and sleep schedules, feeling like there was no one in my life that I could talk to about this season. I remember the deep pain, but I also remember the relief of naming what I was feeling. I mean sure, I could talk to my husband, but chatter of chaffed nipples and an uncontrollable bladder usually sent him running to the kitchen to make dinner or wash the dishes. Still a win, but not what I was looking for.
Since then I have pursued friendships with more intensity, because for me it’s one of the most valuable parts of life. Along the way I realized there were so many lies I was believing that kept me feeling so isolated. And if we’re honest, we all believe these lies from time to time. So I wanted to put words to this, and tell you that they aren’t true! And that you are worthy exactly how you are. Simplified’s word of the year is sisterhood and I love this, because that’s really what these strong female friendships become. And y’all, the sisterhood is big enough for all of us.
The lie: Everyone has a tribe except me. I really thought that everyone was happily friended with sorority sized circles of gal pals and I was just an outsider looking through the glass at what I could see, but couldn’t touch. That everyone had found their mom tribe. Their squad was securely set. But y’all, the more I’ve learned about friendship, the more I have discovered that loneliness is everywhere. Doubt is everywhere. Insecurity is everywhere. And these things only go away once we stop believing that we are on the outside looking in on a party we weren’t invited to.
The lie: My flaws make me less “friend-able”. “In order to make new friends I need to lose those last 10 pounds.” “I need to learn how to use makeup & get a manicure before I ask her to go to lunch.” “I can’t reach out to her, she is juggling it all so flawlessly & I’m over here on the hot mess express.”, “She’s so much better at _ (being a mom, a wife, a professional, a blogger…fill in the blank) than me.” “Maybe one I get my life together.” These are real thoughts that I have thought. I know, right? They look a bit ridiculous written out. But they were true for me, and I sometimes slip back into those thoughts. The idea that my flaws make me less friend-able is maybe the biggest lie of all. Listen: NO ONE (and I mean NO ONE) wants a “perfect” person to be their friend. Social media feeds may make us all seem like we’ve got it all in the balance, but I want someone in my life that shows me the ‘behinds the scenes’ moments and not just the ‘highlight reel’. People you can be real with are the people you want in your squad. People want people who they can admit thier flaws to, and talk about their struggles with – not someone who is going to make them feel judged or demeaned if they make a mistake. I mean, hello, #MomFailMonday is going to be a thing. If you’ve been on Instagram stories lately, you’ll understand.
The lie: If they wanted to be my friend they would pursue me. I assumed that if someone liked me they’d ask me to do something. And if they weren’t asking me to do something, then clearly it was because they didn’t like me. This is a giant negative. Moms (and especially working moms) are busy, overwhelmed, and just as intimidated by new friendships as I am. Motherhood is a vortex of diapers, cleaning, and constantly asking “why is this wet?”. Add on a full time job outside the house when every “young mother” small group meets at 10am on Tuesdays and it seems virtually impossible. It takes a lot of work to pursue new friendships. I found that in order to find my people, I had to step out of my comfort zone and be the one to ask them to lunch or coffee. Because let’s think about this for a second. They might just be thinking that you don’t them, or you would have texted them by now. Friendships don’t just “happen”. Someone has to make the first move, why not let it be you?
The lie: I have to stick with the friendships I already have. This is a hard one. If the relationships in your life aren’t filling that friendship need, it’s okay to stop investing so much into them. Especially if those friendships are toxic. You know the ones I mean. The ones where they never pursue you back. Or they only talk about their woes and dram and never ask or listen about your life. The Negative Nancy & Debbie Downers who leave you feeling drained after a conversation rather than energized and encouraged. Pursuing new relationships isn’t mean or disloyal, it’s healthy. And it doesn’t always mean that you’re cutting people out of your life, friendships evolve over time, and that’s ok. Sometimes friends fade off, and sometimes they get stronger.
So whichever one these lies is nagging at you, throw it out. Pick up your phone, and email that coworker you’ve been wanting to grab drinks with. Go say hi to the mom of your child’s friend at school or the nursery. Text that friend from college who moved back into town. And then put your phone down, and be present in the moment and invest in those friendships and the ones already in your life. Remember, everything worth having in life requires work. You get out what you put in, so pour into your sisterhood!
