Obviously being in quarantine has been rather a balancing act of work, homeschool, motherhood, etc., however it has also brought with it the stillness and quiet of time to ponder life and it’s many intricacies. Maybe it’s because I’m edging towards the second half of my thirties, maybe it’s because this pandemic has caused me to slow down and really think about what is important. But either way, here are a few observations of things I’ve learned during my thirties that I wish my twenty something self knew all those years ago.
Friendship is a two way street. If you realize you’re the only person putting forth effort in your relationship, perhaps it’s time to reevaluate that situation. Maybe during this season of life, it requires you to put more effort into the friendship than the other person. Perhaps they’re going through a difficult time and you need to be there to support them. The time will come when it is your season of need, and they will be there for you. But difficulties aside, friendship is work and it requires both parties to invest. You shouldn’t be the only person reaching out and encouraging, nor should they. The best friends in your life will be the ones who are mutually encouraging to you. Not the ones who find every excuse to be mad at you, or pit you against others. Stop wasting time walking on eggshells fearful of whether or not you hurt someone and invest in relationships that bring you joy. And stop believing the lies that are keeping you from pursuing new friendships.
Marriage is hard work. Speaking of relationships I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but marriage is hard work. Whether you’ve been married for six months or six years, marriage requires effort. Anything worth doing does. Make time to date your spouse. Tell them you love them. Do something sweet for them. Learn their love language and try to speak it – and spend time together! Learn to daily make each other a priority. You’re going to get upset with each other, and you’re going to disagree. But it’s how you respond to those challenges, that will make or break a relationship. Learn to give your spouse grace.
And learn to give yourself grace. This is something that I have to learn daily. I used to think that if I asked to take time for myself, that I was a failure. That if I went to go get a haircut or get my nails done that I was being selfish. I’ve even made the statement, “you should be so proud of me for all the money I’ve saved us by not pampering myself”. I mean, WHAT?!
But what has all this neglecting done to me? Sure, I’m not really a high maintenance girl. I don’t color my hair, nor do I have really any desire to until those gray ones start popping up a bit more (I’m still human). I don’t thrive on trendy lipstick or even bright nail polish. I like simple hues.
BUT, I do like to feel pretty. And polished. And put together. And that’s one thing that’s been harder for me especially after entering motherhood. You spend so much time focusing on everyone else as a mom, that it seems like you’d be neglecting them if you took a moment for yourself. And this is so normal to feel that way. But I can tell you, the only thing that’s come from not getting those pedicures, or not refreshing my haircut more than once a year, or buying that new top has been a world of envy and sadness.
Yup, I’ve found when I don’t extend myself the same grace as others, I am bound to continual feelings of inadequacy for failing to be “perfect” without any assistance -whether it’s in my professional life, motherhood, or self care. And you know the one thing I CAN control? My own ability to take some time for self care. I’m not even talking about getting extensions, or lashes the multitude of other things that us ladies have offered to us on the regular to pamper ourselves. I’m talking about the basics – skincare, hair care, exercise, and soul care. Whatever that looks like for you – SET ASIDE the time to focus on it. It makes all the difference in the world. You cannot pour from an empty well. Pour into yourself.
Kindness is always in Vouge. It’s easy to seek revenge, or to look the other way to injustice, however showing kindness to someone who might not deserve your compassion or benefit of the doubt brings about a deeper joy than I have ever experienced. When in doubt, choose kindness. Always.
